Assertiveness. Assertiviteit. Affirmation de la personnalité.
Working in Brussels I’ve struggled sometimes to define the word in French. Dutch not so much. But then, when I discuss assertiveness in English with my clients, even therein exists a myriad of definitions. Understanding what is means, to you, to be assertive is pivotal to becoming assertive.
For some, following a pattern of avoidance, not expressing their feelings (then exploding later) is being assertive. They are unable to grow because the real issues that are troubling them are never addressed. The words ‘people never consider my feelings’ come to mind.
For others, (un)consciously violating the rights of others, being loud, overbearing, blaming others is their version of assertiveness. Often unaware of their impact or their alienation. They have a sense that ‘people owe them’.
Between these passive and aggressive forms exists another definition or style. The passive-aggressive approach, where people are unable to deal directly with the situation, so they undermine or deny the person/issue that exists. They are resentful and become resented. They become untrusted through incongruence. It’s the notion that ‘I’m powerless to deal with the situation head on, so I must use ‘guerrilla’ warfare.
For me, what is clear and what I share in my workshop is that an assertive act is a balanced act. Through this recognition, we can start to ‘become’; become aware, become assertive, become aligned with ourselves.
Assertive communication allows people to clearly state their opinions and feelings; to recognise the value in their opinions and feelings (and those of others). The language used often begins with ‘I’ rather than ‘Them’ – blame and fault-finding becomes irrelevant. What shines through is a deep rooted desire to find situations in which all parties succeed.
One of the key takeaways from the get-go is that It’s not about speaking first, standing up, being the most knowledgeable. Those are things you can do, without question – but not necessary to be truly assertive. It’s about feeling and being comfortable with who you are; understanding what is holding you back and using that knowledge to propel yourself forward… how we achieve this sits at the core of my work (and what I will share in my next post, tomorrow).
