It’s been a while since I shared anything or wrote anything – or worked. Three months in fact. There’s been period of absence from social media across the board and a period of absence more generally. Here’s what happened…
If you’d asked me a week ago, had I ever experienced trauma, I would have said ‘God, no!’. I’m a cis-white man with no children, who’s never been to war, not served in frontline healthcare, so what trauma could I possibly have experienced?!
Lots. Apparently.
Last week I suffered several days of complete and total darkness. Inconsolable. Rock bottom. Unresponsive. Tears flooded out of me. Anxiety. Conflict. And shame. So much shame. Ashamed of how I was behaving in that moment – of the tears, of decisions I had made in my life and was continuing to make. Sorry Mum if you’re reading for the language – but it was fucking awful – and I can now say at least, that I’m not ashamed to use such language to admit it.
It turns out I was suffering (correction: I would say I’m now living with PTSD – Post Traumatic Stress Syndrome). The ‘T’ is what they call a small t. Multiple (many) small traumas that happened in my life over a long period. Unchecked. Unchallenged. Unanswered. The war that I never fought in listed above was actually a war raging in me for more than twenty, maybe thirty years. The traumas from this war looked and sounded like:
- Being chased home from primary school by ‘friends’ trying to rub dog shit in my face (because I was different).
- Being called ‘girl’ repeatedly from the age of five to ten.
- Being mocked for not being having pubic hair at the age of thirteen.
- Having my top lifted up in front of others, my excess weight (puppy fat) grabbed and being told it was ‘pure wildlife’.
- Coming out as gay, being initially rejected, silenced or at the other extreme highlighted.
These are some situations to name a few. I brushed them aside – I didn’t know to do anything else at the time. And so I carried on, lived my life, making and taking decisions the best I knew how not knowing or acknowledging the impact these events might have had on me. It’s true what they say – you can run, but you cant hide – especially from yourself.
It’s true what they say – you can run, but you cant hide – especially from yourself.
I was already in therapy as I knew something wasn’t sitting well with me for some time, however this dark episode of extreme anxiety and upset encouraged me to also see a psychiatrist (*see edit below). It was here that my eyes began to open even further and my ears began to listen in a different way. As she mentioned the word shame, tears fell like waterfalls. Years of repressed emotion, fear of rejection and avoidance finally had a name. And rather than running for ‘home’ like the boy running from the bullies aged ten years old, there was a shift in me and home stopped being a place to run to and started to become a place within me.
The aim of this blog has always been (shock horror!) to drive my coaching business. A space to layout the importance of coaching, the benefits, how it can help you to overcome barriers, gain clarity and get what you want or more so become who you want to be. And this post is no different. Training to become an ICF registered coach with NovaTerra Brussels is really where the content for this post began. If it wasn’t for the exceptional training and the frankly amazing community of coaches with whom I had the pleasure to train – who in their learning created space for me how to learn more about myself – I wouldn’t be sat here right now, owning my PTSD and working with it to propel me forward into a brighter, lighter future.
Coaching… can help you to overcome barriers, gain clarity and get what you want or more so become who you want to be.
Coaching was the key to opening this door on my shame. To become a coach, you need to coach and you need to be coached. To be a coach, to work ethically, with a coaching mindset, evoke awareness and stimulate growth you work with a supervisor to bring awareness to your own practice. This time devoted to my development, this space to breathe and think without judgement removed many barriers and generated movement for me in my life. I noticed, however, that I still remained blocked. This was no failure on the part of coaching (it’s not the remit of coaching to explore the ‘why’ of our stories nor to explore trauma). Coaching’s greatest success for me was highlighting the remaining barriers. I didn’t know what they were – it was too foggy in my head to see clearly, like the light of awareness from coaching was bouncing off the cloud and blinding me. I couldn’t see what it was… but I had learned to trust my instincts through coaching. So I sought therapy (not knowing what was there just that something wasn’t right, for me).
So – what happened or happens next?
This isn’t the right time or space for me to share the details of my story. Not yet. Although that might change so watch this space… For me, I have a sense that this experience is going to shape me, my practice and my future more boldly than I could ever imagine. As they say, ‘in the middle of difficulty lies opportunity’ and I see that so clearly as I write. There are already some exciting projects in the pipeline and fresh ones brewing.
For you, please never underestimate the power of coaching. A privilege, yes. Not everyone is fortunate enough to experience coaching (which is why I offer 30 hours a year of pro-bono work – get in touch if you think you could benefit from some coaching) however having access to the space and time to allow yourself to grow, to move, or to stand still whilst all that around you changes might just be the difference between unchecked trauma and repeated patterns of behaviour and the life that you know you deserve.
Thank you for reading. There will be more content around Shame(less) behaviour in 2023.
*I write this and I am so grateful to live in Belgium where access to health services is second to none. I’m aware other readers may not be so fortunate.
